Connor Is Awesome

4. It was a Pat Burrell line drive that was used to euthanize Barbaro. 

5. The character of Shrek was based on Pat Burrell… except for the part about being a green ogre…and not raping men. 

6. Pat Burrell sweats Gatorade. 

7. Pat Burrell once inhaled a seagull. 

8. Marilyn Monroe killed herself because Pat Burrell stopped letting her jack him off. Same with JFK. 

9. One time, Pat Burrell was over at Geoff Geary’s place watching a movie, and Geoff turned to him to say, “Damn, look at that Scarlett Johansson! She’s smokin’!” While Geoff was speaking he noticed that Burrell was no longer sitting by him, but he’d actually managed to metaphysically enter the film and had turned it into some kind of porn in which Scarlett was moaning the word “cowabunga” each and every time he gave her a multiple orgasm. This went on for about seven hours, and Geoff didn’t even know a DVD could hold that much video. The strangest part was the movie was “Home Alone 3″, meaning Scarlett was only 14 at the time. When Burrell came back out from the TV, Geoff asked him if he was worried he’d get taken in for statutory rape, but Burrell produced a signed contract from Mr. and Mrs. Johansson not only giving him permission to have sex with their underage daughter, but granting him a reward of $25,000 for his efforts. 

10. Pat Burrell coined the phrase ‘Keep the Change’. 

11. Pat Burrell owns 25 Ford Excursions. He doesn’t drive them; he just parks them in handicapped spots around the world. 

12. Pat Burrell is the patron saint of homeruns. 

13. Pat Burrell’s bat is made from the bones of Lou Gehrig. 

14. Pat Burrell line drives are used for abortions in some countries. 

15. Pat Burrell is able to play Xbox 360 games on his N64 

16. Wind direction is determined solely by what way Pat Burrell faced the last time he pissed. 

17. Pat Burrell left Natalie in Aruba. 

18. Pat Burrell was arrested when cops found he had been running underground Panda Bear fights in his basement for years. 

19. Pat Burrell never strikes out sober. 

20. Pat Burrell has been ‘under the bra’ with over 500 girls. 

21. Cardinals pitcher Josh Hancock was asked how he felt about having to face legendary hitter Pat Burrell the next day. Hancock answered by getting hammered drunk and crashing his car into a tow-truck. He took the easy way out. 

22. Pat Burrell cried once, but then found out Rachel didn’t get on the plane and then he stopped. 

23. Pat Burrell is the driver in the song “Limousine” by Brand New 

24. Sex with Pat Burrell is always consensual , no matter what the girls say in court. 

25. Pat Burrell invented the “Double Header” Not the two games in one day, but the sex act of shoving your penis into a girls mouth so hard it goes through her throat and out the back of her head, and then you make either her mother or daughter finish giving you head while its still going through the first girls skull. 

26. Pat Burrell never gets a bad haircut. 

27. Pat Burrell legally owns slaves.

28. While taking batting practice before a game against the Mets, Pat Burrell hit two balls so far and hard out of Shea Stadium, that they hit the World Trade Centers and caused them to collapse. The New York Mets were so intimidated that they faked a terrorist attack in an attempt to save face. 

29. Pat Burrell brings a condom out to left field with him every inning…just in case. 

30. Pat Burrell made love to a woman for 36 straight hours once, even though she died of massive blood loss half-way through. 

31. Pat Burrell can get 2x’s Tuesday from Domino’s any day of the week. 

32. When Pat Burrell was in Little League, he visited a dying boy in the hospital. The boy asked Pat to hit him 3 home runs to save his life. Pat went out and hit 7 homers that night. Then he went back to the hospital, performed the heart transplant surgery himself, and banged the kid’s mom. 

33. One night, while Pat Burrell was sleeping, God took a piece of a tendon from his arm, and from it, created Cole Hamels. 

34. Pat Burrell is the only major league baseball player to ever hit a ball into Heaven during a regular season game. 

35. Pat Burrell drinks the blood of orphan children to keep his boyish good looks. 

36. Many women put a picture of Pat Burrell over their crotches so that men will be more willing to go down on them. 

37. On a dare, Pat Burrell once ordered a Virgin Strawberry Dacari at a bar in Clearwater, Florida. Pat being Pat, that Dacari gave birth to twins 9 months later. 

38. Vinnie Chase wants to be in Pat Burrell’s entourage. 

39. AJ Feely didn’t steal Heather Mitts from Pat Burrell. In fact, Pat Burrell sold her to him for six tins of Skoal. 

40. Pat Burrell went to the Miss America Pageant Last Year. He came in first, second, and third place…and on fourth’s face. 

41. Pat Burrell once forced Chuck Norris to give him a blow job. Though Chuck refuses to talk about it today, in his autobiography, Chuck described the experience by writing: “He tasted sweeter than any candy I have ever eaten…and his balls were like an awesome version of the Twin Towers.” 

42. Pat Burrell had a 9th Simple Rule for Dating A Teenage Daughter: Kill her father. 

43. Pat Burrell didn’t care much for the Benoit family. 

44. The winner of “America’s Top Inventor” won with his invention of the “Men’s Instant Guaranteed Sex Kit.” It was just a box with a Pat Burrell mask inside. 

45. Pat Burrell’s favorite food is eagle. 

46. Pat Burrell’s cum is the cure for herpes. However, it is also the cause of AIDS. 

47. In the porn industry, the act of farting and having remnants of poop fly onto a girl’s face that is licking a guy’s ass is known as “Burrelling”. 

48. Pat Burrell has never lost a masturbation race. 

49. One night, Pat Burrell got so drunk he swallowed a cordless telephone. Four days later he had massive diarrhea, and to his surprise, his shit was full of pieces of the telephone. He scooped the excrement out, and sold it, just as he does with all he fecal matter. However, this particular anal discharge is known to the public as the iPhone. 

50. Some people drink warm milk to help them sleep. Pat Burrell kills these people in their sleep to help him sleep. 

51. College Night’s no longer exist because Pat Burrell has already slept with every girl at the local universities. 

52. Owen Wilson was fine until Kate Hudson called him Pat Burrell in bed. 

53. Pat Burrell credits this page for his second half surge. 

54. When life hands Pat Burrell lemons, he makes Jack Daniels. 

55. 4 out of 5 doctor’s recommend Pat Burrell brand coat hangers for home-based abortions.

56. Pat Burrell legalized gay marriage, just so he could sleep with even more people who wanted to cheat on their husbands.

57. Pat Burrell wears #5 because it’s how many commandments he believes in and follows. 

58. Pat Burrell rapes homeless women because he says “everyone deserves one shot at glory.”

59. In spring training one year, Pat Burrell tricked Ryan Howard into drinking a protein drink filled with Pat Burrell semen. That year Ryan Howard won MVP. The next year, he pulled the same prank on Jimmy Rollins.  This year he pranked Chase Utley.

60. Pat Burrell didn’t want to drink and drive, but those kids had to get to school

61. Pat Burrell likes his women like he likes his coffee…paralyzed from the waist down.

62. Pat Burrell won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves. (From Dunn)

63. If Pat Burrell wanted the seat, Rosa Parks would have moved. (From Dunn)

64. No matter what uniform Pat Burrell puts on, he will always, always, truly be a Phillie.