Connor Is Awesome

2. Chase Utley once turned down sex with no strings that was offered to him by the Virgin Mary herself. 

3. Chase Utley was originally a center fielder. Upon getting to Triple-A, his coach asked him what position he played. Chase misheard him and thought the coach asked him “How far did you get with my wife last night, Utley?” Utley has played second base ever since that day. 

4. Chase Utley once hit a line drive through a cow, just to see who was coming up the road 

5. Chase Utley went hunting once. Chase decided he was going to hunt down all five of the Backstreet Boys. He stalked and kills every one of them with a machete. They all begged for their lives…except A.J. 

6. At his bachelor party, Chase Utley ate the entire cake before anyone could tell him there was a stripper in it. 

7. Chase Utley once wiped his ass with a porcupine and then he ate the porcupine! 

8. One time, Jason Werth had a dream that he punched Chase Utley in the face, and he cried and begged Jason to stop bullying him. When Werth woke up Chase was already standing there, because he can read dreams, and he beat his ass for the next three days. To this day, Jason Werth still admits that he deserved it. 

9. The only reason the chinese use chopsticks is because Chase Utley stole all their forks. 

10. The hair gel Chase Utley uses is a combination of Ipecac and Napalm, and is combed with the tail of a dragon from days of old. The last guy to touch it was incinerated immediately. 

11. On alien planets, the tabloids are filled with stories about Chase Utley visiting them 

12. Chase Utley has fought and killed 6 of Michael Vick’s dogs. 

13. The Movie Die Hard is based on Chase Utley’s senior prom. 

14. Chase Utley stepped onto Veterans Stadium’s turf, looked around and said, “This bores me.” And later that day Citizen’s Bank Park was built. 

15. Chase Utley invented the Super Bowl. 

16. Chase Utley has assassinated two presidents with line drives to the head.

17. Vanilla Ice gave Chase Utley a blow job for the rights to “Ice Ice Baby” 

18. Chase Utley makes girls premature ejaculate. 

19. Chase Utley just flat out doesn’t like Asians. 

20. Chase Utley has only told one person to kill themselves: Richard Jeni. 

21. Chase Utley is so awesome, Ryu from Street Fighter owes him a beer from a bet they made in college. 

22. One day, for no real reason at all, Chase Utley prank phone called Martin Luther King’s wife. And my Martin Luther King’s wife, I mean Chris from NSYNC, and by prank phone called I mean raped and murdered. 

23. Chase Utley invented “Manifest Destiny” and continually screams it on the plane rides to west coast road trips. 

24. Chase Utley’s piss is bottled and sold as Red Bull. 

25. Chase Utley doesn’t wipe after he shits. 

26. Chase Utley was the original host of Nick Canon’s Wild-N-Out, but he was fired when he refused to keep his racial slurs under control. 

27. Chase Utley is so straight that he can go tanning, no problem. 

28. Chase Utley once kicked out from a superkick. 

29. Chris Farley was alive…until Chase Utley decided Beverly Hills Ninja wasn’t that funny. 

30. Chase Utley was born in a hospital that he built with his own bare hands. 

31. Chase Utley is the smoke monster. 

32. Chase Utley once bought a lottery ticket playing the the numbers 7 and 2 and the words “Chase” and “Utley”. And I’ll be damned, but that night the number that came out was 8-Utley-4-Chase. He didn’t win, but it was still pretty close. 

33. Chase Utley owns two unicorns. 

34. Chase Utley’s major in college was karaoke. 

35. Chase Utley was crucified next to Jesus. And only needed 26 minutes to resurrect. 

36. Chase Utley can smell the past, and taste the future. 

37. Even Jeff Kent votes for Chase Utley for the NL 2nd Base All-Star. 

38. Chase Utley has hasselled the Hoff numerous times. 

39. At Major League Baseball Summer Camp, pitchers sit around the camp fire and tell scary stories of facing Chase Utley. 

40. When God sneezes, St. Peter says, “Chase Bless You.” 

41. Chase Utley rented the film L.A. Confidential and watched it so many times that he generated a late fee of $27.40. When the store manager, Derrick, informed Chase about the fee, Chase apologized and told Derrick he had to get the cash from his car. Chase then calmly walked to his car, got in, and took off. He drove to Derrick’s house, broke in, and kidnapped Derrick’s wife and new born son. He tied them up, gagged them, and filmed the whole thing. With the camera still rolling, Chase began to hit line drives at them. Then he threw them in his car and drove back to the movie rental store. He walked in, put the tape in the main VCR at the store, and had it play on all the screens inside. Derrick watched in horror. Chase went back to his car and dragged in the woman and boy. He yelled “HOW MUCH IS THE LATE FEE AGAIN?!?!” Derrick began to cry and told Chase Utley to please be rational and that he would erase the late fee charges. Chase thanked him for his kindness and then shot and killed Derrick’s wife, just to show that he had meant business. 

42. Chase Utley never apologizes to anyone without killing a loved one of theirs in return. 

43. Chase Utley’s favorite color is plaid. 

44. The Cincinnati Reds called reliever Rod Beck recently and asked if he’d be interested in joining the club to help out the bullpen. He agreed at first, but when he found out there was a chance he’d face Chase Utley, he decided to just kill himself. 

45. Many historians agree that if Hitler had called his group “Utleys” instead of “Nazi”, America would have backed them in World War II. 

46. Chase Utley has been asked to appear on the cover of Madden 09. 

47. Chase Utley breast-fed till he was 15. His mother died when he was 9. 

48. Joey Chestnut can eat 66 hot dogs, but when Chase Utley took a shit in Joey’s mouth, he was full after just one of Chase’s turds. 

49. Chase Utley has never won a spelling bee because he doesn’t know what a “K” is. 

50. Justin Timberlake’s “Sexy Back” was a recap of Chase Utley’s rookie year. 

51. Chase Utley invented “left”. 

52. Chase Utley doesn’t strike out, he just chooses not to “take his base.” 

53. It wasn’t a pitched ball that hit and broke Chase Utley’s hand, it was an orb of kryptonite. 

54. After Shane Victorino shaving creamed Chase Utley in a post-game interview, Chase Utley became enraged and made a phone call. Long story short, Hawaii is no longer part of the United States. 

55. Chase Utley DL stints are known as “vacations” to pitchers.

56. Jesus walked on water. Chase Utley doubled on water and scored him.

57. Chase Utley’s batting average is a clear example that his grandmother slept with George Washington.

58. Chase Utley hates to brag, but he’s 37 inches.

59. Getting dumped by Chase is the number 1 cause of suicide in women…and number 4 in men. 

60. Chase Utley’s CD-R’s hold 90 minutes of music

61. Chase Utley got a standing ovation at Heath Ledger’s funeral.