Connor Is Awesome

July is basically over.  At the speed it’s moving, by the time I hit publish on this article, it will be dated as August.  I find that when I anticipate things, time moves slower, so my anticipation of the Eagles season should bring August to a crawl.  This week kind of flew by. I realized how much I enjoy living by myself.  It gives me time to really live like I want.  I’ve been walking around naked almost constantly.  If I showered at 6pm, chances are I ain’t even looking into my underwear drawer until I leave for work in the morning.  I have had the place to myself all week, and have only had one person over.  This was supposed to be a week of non-stop orgy mayhem.  But alas, my conservative ways have gotten the best to me.  But in sad news to all my readers, things have ended with the girl for whom I disappear for late at night, and as a result my newest twitter bit (and arguably the best running comedy bit I ever had) is over.

I’ve come upon a difficult concept.  What gains a girl more ground on her looks?  We all know my theory that girls in phillies gear get bumped up at least one number.  A girl who’s normally a 6 becomes a 7 in an Utley shirt.  A phillies jersey shirt + denim skirt can make almost any girl a solid 8.  You get the idea.  Well I must have been out of college for too long, because I forgot sundresses do the same thing.  But what has the more positive effect on a girl?  I don’t see enough sundresses so hopefully it’s the phillies gear. 

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Over the last year or so, I’ve drifted away from going over my wild and crazy nights, personal reflections, dirty secrets, fears and thoughts, and decided to go with funny videos, good songs, and pointless list after pointless list.  The reasons for this is many, but I’m going to try to merge the two blogging types.  I miss the days of making people laugh at my embarassing misadventures, and bragging about my various sexual conquests. 

I’ve always been a pretty private person.  At least when it came to the real personal stuff.  A few of my friends know things about me I keep buried, and I’ve opened up my soul to maybe one girl in my life.  But even them, there’s stuff they could never know.  Unless I start to blog about it. 

So let’s start with something no one has ever known about me. Something I’ve kept secret all these years:

It may be hard to believe, but I’m as big a Maroon 5 fan as you will ever meet.

I drank a lot of captain and (spilled a lot of) 302s.

I’m not what I would call a Zombie Aficionado, but I have seen some zombie films.  Some of them were good, some not.  Some were scary, some not.  Through all my experiences I am left with 2 questions.

The first one is what happens after the fact?  Inevitably, zombies eat everyone.  So what do they do after, when all that’s left is zombies?  Do they begin eating each other? Do they necessarily have to eat?  Like, what happens if a zombie never eats a brain? Do they get hungry?  Do they eventually evolve? What happens if a zombie bites another zombie, does the bitten zombie become a double zombie or something?

The second question I have is how come all these worlds where the zombie attacks happen seem to be based in a reality where there have never been zombie movies or anything, but everyone knows the word zombie.  Like theres never a movie where a virus turns people into zombies and someone says “it’s just like all those movies where theres a virus that turns things into zombies!!!”  People are always taken by surprise.  Like if I woke up tomorrow and there were zombies outside, I’d probably text message someone like “yo dude, i think a virus made zombies.”  Then they’d text back “totes. itz all over the newz.”  Then I’d reply “i’m not gonna go to work. wanna hang out?”  Then they’d write back, “nah dude…zombies.”   Then later they’d text me “braaaaaaiiiiiinnnnnnsssssss” and I probably wouldn’t reply to that.

My internet has been down for quite a while.  As a result I haven’t done a meaningful blog in forever.  That will try to change.  I’ll blog more often and be as funny as ever, which is to say I won’t be that funny.  I’ll probably try to remember things I said spur of the moment that got a laugh, and reuse them in hopes someone who didn’t hear it the first time will laugh at it.

On a side note, I got the house to myself for the week.  That’s right, I’m 24, still live at home, and everyone’s away.  This week will go a long way to determining if I’m ready to move out asap (read:whenever I can get a roommate I won’t want to murder in his or her sleep).  My first test was to see if I could eat a really healthy and nutritious dinner.  I failed and ordered a pizza.  Oh well.  Anyway, I’ll have to throw a big rager this week.  I’m kidding of course, because I’d be too embarassed to have anyone over my house because were the only family without an HDTV in their living room in the whole world. What would people think?  Bad things, that’s what.

Anyway, pizzas here.

(pizza’s not here, but it seemed like a suitable thing to say to close out this blog.)

I used to be a pro-facebook and anti twitter.  Then i slowly started appreciating twitter.  then more of my friends got on twitter and it became a 50-50 thing with facebook.  Now i think i’m more pro-twitter than facebook.  it happened tonight when i read a facebook status that said something like “watching the green mile, i love this movie.”  I immediately thought, that’s what twitter is for retards.  That’s when I knew I prefered twitter.

The thing is, I don’t want more people I know to get twitter.  The people following me right now is more than enough.  Otherwise, I’d have to worry about me tweeting something and having that person read it. Like what if I tweeted “Jose Contreras sucks a big fat juicy succulent sweaty veiny man cock”  and he read that.  It be so awkward!

I’d prolly get the “@connormick not cool, dude” mention back from him.

As far as dream women go, January Jones is right near the top of my lists.  She’s like a hotter version of the hottest girl I could ever possibly conceive being able to sleep with.

Changing pace, Jason Sudeikis seems like a cool guy. I’ve enjoyed him on SNL and have always thought he was funny and will be a big time star one day.

They are together, Jason and January. And I’m not jealous.  I would do horrible things to be with January Jones. And I like Jason Sudeikis enough to appreciate a funny guy getting good ass.

It’s weird though, if she was banging one of my close friends, I’d be so insanely jealous.  How can I be happy for some dude I don’t know and would probably ignore me if I said hello to, but when it comes to someone who has been my good friend for years, I would get so angry.  Is it because I know what pieces of shit my friends really are?  I’m a piece of shit too, so why should I get anything they don’t.  If they were with her, I’d constantly be telling her lies about STDs they have, shitting on their bank account, making fun of their hair or something. Anything so that I could bang her instead.

And I know fully well they’d do the same thing if I ever did get January to be mine.  Because that’s what friends do!

Was this one as good?
No, but it was still real good.
The ending was lame.

They’re called wheelbarrows.  Not wheel barrels.

Add this to the collection with “play it by year,” “intensive purposes” and “spitting image”   (they’re supposed to be play it by ear, intents and purposes, and spit and image)